May 9 Rain. Stared out the window all day. Peaceful here — nothing to do. Still not allowed to go outside. May 10 Still raining. Talked with the doctor a little. Would they have saved me if I didn't have a family to feed? I know I'm pathetic, weak. Not everyone can be strong. May 11 Rain again. The meds made me feel sick today. If I'm only better when I'm drugged, then who am I anyway? May 12 Rain as usual. I don't want to cause any more trouble for anyone, but I'm a bother either way. Can it really be a such a sin to run instead of fight? Some people may say so, but they don't have to live in my shoes. It may be selfish, but it's what I want. It's too hard like this. It's just too hard... May 13 It's clear outside. The doctors told me I've been released — that I've got to go home. I --------------